I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize