you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
