i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize