highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
