I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize