i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
