There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
