then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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