he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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