Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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