so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
