Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
