I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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