How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
