I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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