Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
