i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize