Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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