Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
