We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
