You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
