I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
