Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
