she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize