you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
