oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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