some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
