She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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