Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
