I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
