dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
