they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I could make wine with my vomit
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
