I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
