It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
