I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
