We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
