i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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