i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
