Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize