life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
