Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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