if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
where are my eyebrows?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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