He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
