I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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