wat bout pragnant strippers??
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
