There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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