i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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