My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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