I just pynch a tree in the face
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize