What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pants are for mortals
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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