saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
