I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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