I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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