i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
