I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
