I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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