i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
